| Yong's profile转贴站·爱信不信PhotosBlogLists |  Tools  Help |
转贴站·爱信不信真假对错本人概不负责，信不信请自便
|
September 15 站在巨人的肩膀上声名：请用科学的态度或一笑置之阅读这篇文章。流畅的文笔，只能出于自由的心灵。所有的迷信都是需要破除的，不管他来自哪里，属何方神圣！ 牛顿老师在科学圈里曾经很有权势，被女王封了爵位成了贵族，人称牛爵爷，官至皇家造币局局长兼皇家学会会长。如果阿尔伯特没有辞了以色列总统的话和他有一拼。 说他有权势并不仅是官大，主要还是贡献大。如果17世纪就有诺贝尔奖的话，牛顿老师至少能连续垄断4届物理学奖（分光计；力学体系的构建；反射望远镜；万有引力），同时为了表彰他在炼金方面的造诣，再奉送他一届化学奖。而且这孙子鼓捣出了流数术，所以菲尔兹数学奖也要给他。要知道，他的这些发现基本都是在26岁以前获得的，30岁以后牛顿就开始玩票了，成天琢磨上帝和炼金，以及怎样把莱布尼茨搞臭，捎带手的把以前的发现整理成书。所以你能想象到他在当时 的欧洲是如何的一呼万应，敢跟他叫板的只有莱布尼茨和大主教贝克莱。牛老师死的时候，全英国的贵族以给他扶柩为荣，全欧洲的名流蜂拥伦敦。来自法国的文科生伏尔泰在国葬现场大受刺激，回去就写了首诗，嫉妒之情溢于言表。 牛顿老师的一生是天才的一生，战斗的一生，也是孤独的一生。一辈子没有朋友，也没有结过婚，很可能到死都是处男，关于牛顿是否处男的问题，由于篇幅过长，我将在另一篇文中论证。当然他肯定不会孤独，因为科学的世界里乐趣无限，快感连连。出乎世俗想象的是，科学其实远比任何女人更有趣，玩科学比玩女人强多人，得到一个成果所获得的成就感强烈而持久，不仅有快感，更有巨大的自我认同感。 牛顿老师茕茕孑立，形影相吊的原因是多方面的。首先他生性孤傲，自恃高才，瞅谁都不顺眼，当然不会真心跟人交朋友。同时在他眼里人是不分男女的，只有SB和NB两种，所以他对女色没兴趣也就可以理解了。曾有婚介中心给他介绍过几个名媛，拾掇拾掇都是当王妃的坯子，但一见面就受不了他的牛气冲天和不知所云。 大家不喜欢牛顿的另一个原因是他 性格暴戾乖张。长年在他身边的人回忆说，牛顿在人前只笑过两回，其中一次还是嘲笑：有人问他，欧几里得的《几何原本》那么老朽，不知道还有什么价值。牛顿闻听放声大笑。而且他人品太差，跟谁都打架。众所周知他从小就有校园暴力的记录，胖子同学不小心踩了他的风车，他抬手就把胖子打哭了，我们的教科书居然说这是他有志气的表现。长大了不以拳脚论高下，他就雇用枪手大骂莱布尼茨，甚至不惜化名亲自去骂，人品至此真是无以复加。莱布尼茨若不是脸皮厚早就跟纳什一样疯了，而且牛顿肯定会拍个片子叫《丑陋心灵》继续恶心人家。 关于牛顿的另一个谎言是他的谦虚，证据就是牛顿老师说过两段著名的话，一 段是站在巨人肩膀上，另一段是海边捡石头子。这确实很有迷惑性，我第一次听说时感动的直冒鼻涕泡。但任何话语都是有语境的，巨人肩膀那一句的语境是这样 的：胡克其实早就发现了万有引力定律并推导出了正确的公式，但由于数学不好，他只能勉强解释行星绕日的圆周运动，而且他没有认识到支配天体运行的力量其实 是普遍存在的，是“万有”的。第谷早在100年前就发现了行星的公转其实是椭圆运动，开普勒甚至总结出了行星运动三定律。所以科学界对胡克的成果不太重 视。后来数学小狂人牛顿用微积分极其圆满的解决了这个问题，并把他提出的力学三条基本定律成功推广到星系空间，改变了自从亚里士多德以来公认的天地不一的旧 观点，被科学界奉为伟大的发现。于是胡克大怒，指责牛顿剽窃了自己的成果。牛顿尖酸刻薄的回敬道：是啊，我他妈还真是站在巨人的肩膀上呢！这本是一句反 语，至少不是真的想客气一下。几百年后罗永浩说自己只是站在巨人的肩膀上也是这意思。但后人出于塑造完人的目的，只保留了孤立的原话而去掉了语境，变成了一句彻头彻尾的谦辞。同样的情况出现在另一段话上：牛顿晚年因为树敌过多，来自欧洲大陆比如法德的一些新锐科学家质问他：“牛顿你丫牛逼什么啊？”牛顿此时完全的展现了他科学界大宗师的风度与水平，借助与孩子对话的机会潇洒的回敬道：“我没有什么牛逼的。我只是一个在海边独自玩耍的小孩，偶尔会为捡到几个美丽的贝壳而欣喜若狂，却对面前浩瀚的真理大海无所察觉。”意思是说你们连贝壳都看不见有什么资格评价我？几十年的官场毕竟不是白混的，牛老师甩片儿汤话的水平已经到了信手拈来闲庭信步宠辱不惊的境界，所以我们只记住了这一段优美至极、深邃如同诗歌的话语。 牛顿老师人品差，不谦虚，没朋友，按现在的说法这是典型的高智商低情商，事业不会成功。但我们也发现，当智商高到一定程度的时候是可以取代情商的。所以那些说自己情商低的所谓天才们，你们没成功只是还不够聪明而已，怨不着人家情商。要知道牛顿是个遗腹子和早产儿，出生时体重不到5斤，没吃过DHA和RHA配方的奶粉。亲娘改嫁后跟文盲姥姥度过无聊的童年，没有任何的早期智力开发和学前启蒙，7岁上学以前脑子里空空如也，牛妈妈对他的期望仅仅是认识点字然后回家务农。但是牛顿上中学后已经熟练掌握了拉丁语希腊语西班牙语和英语，然后被推荐进了剑桥，20出头就当了卢卡斯教席的终身教授。如果他能活到今天，我一定会请他当博网的形象代言人兼吉祥物。 晚年的牛顿除了升官发财再无其他骄傲之处，而且官迷心窍，没退休一直干到85岁寿终。当然他并没闲着，写了 150万字的神学著作跟上帝猛掏心窝子，同时坚定投身化学事业，在家里盖了窑子，拿出年轻时搞物理的劲头玩命试验。但这次他的出发点就错了，总是希望从黄铜和煤渣中提炼出黄金。要知道化学反应只能改变分子并不能改变原子，能给原子做变性手术的只能是核反应。他违背了化学定律里的物质不灭原则，所以虾米了。 最后，说两段悼词。
一段是他的墓志铭：
另一段是英国诗人写的：
不知道为什么，这两段总是让我有点感动。 来源：熊博网 September 11 09 年国家质监局公布的禁用化妆品名单女同胞们注意啦~~ 质检总局最新发布的禁用化妆品 一、含有激素的护肤品品牌列表： 2、铅汞含量严重超标的进口化妆品名单： 4、严重含有有害物质的产品
source: forwarded by Max via email. Thanks! September 06 草_G_F_W（翻墙工具和下载）来源：http://sites.google.com/site/xxxcjr/cao_g_f_w 草_G_F_W帝国主义亡我之心不死，对天朝诸多诽谤。身为天朝子民岂能听之任之？我们要到敌营去，到敌人的大后方去，开辟第二战场，坚持游击战、地道战、运动战、歼灭战，要利用帝国主义的武器去与帝国主义周旋，用敌人的武器消灭敌人。“我们都是神枪手 /每一颗子弹消灭一个敌人 /我们都是飞行军 /哪怕那山高水又深 /没有枪没有炮 /敌人给我们造"一、软件类
二、网页代理
三、VPN
四、Tor五、手机&移动平台
参考网页： September 02 我们都是花栗鼠昨天中午，飞猪老师在推上发问：谁手头有《新华字典》？谁能告诉我上面笔画数最多的十个汉字？我立即检索“新华字典+汉字列表”，找到了这可怕的十个中文字： 灩籲灪爩鱻麤龖龗齾齉靐龘 接下来的几分钟，网络上一片唰唰声，收藏的收藏，转帖的转帖。因为似乎我发布了一条了不起的知识，值得收藏推荐，以备不时之需。所以，菜在推上曰： 上网以后，我们把信息当做了知识，把收藏当做了学习，把阅读当做了思考，把储存当做了掌握。像个花栗鼠在秋天收藏坚果一样，把自己的阅读器和硬盘塞满，却依旧觉得饥渴难耐。 于是，有笨蛋跟着感慨说：索代斯奈，网络让人们变得浮躁了。我靠，我再靠，我飞靠，这都哪儿跟哪儿啊？我描述了一个普遍的现象，人们在网上能够接触到空前的信息，也就产生了空前的贪婪。以前在抓虾网，一旦放出一篇《职场人际关系的10条杀手锏》，或者《你所不知道的101个Gmail使用诀窍》，或者是《人的一生中不可不读的10001本经典著作》，收藏量立即翻着跟头往上涨。我敢打赌，搜藏这些内容的人里，一百个人中没有一个会再去翻看一次。只是觉得这是知识，这会派上用场的，我现在收藏了，那么我就等于拥有了它。 现在我来谈这个问题，看了都觉得这是一个笑话。但是，不是有无数人正在这么做的么？有多少人硬盘上下满了不会再读一次的电子书，甚至根本没有事件去读那几个G的电子书？有多少人的邮件箱里塞满了别人转发过来的各种经验、总结、教训，甚至加了星号，打了Tags，可几年过去了都不会去翻一下？ 没有亲身实践过的知识不是知识，那只是一些文字，最多算得上是有含义的文字。没有经过思考辩证和行动验证，知识和经验都是别人的，放在硬盘上、阅读器里，不等于你拥有了它。别人思考的结果无论你看起来多么深刻，多么智慧，如果你没有花时间去想一下，偶然在生活中验证一下，它不过是一阵在你晶状体上的光线扰动，对你的大脑秋毫无犯，只是你的阅读体验而已。你把整本《大不列颠百科全书》都当到你的硬盘上，把整个wikipedia都储存在你的移动硬盘上，你也不会成为百晓生，更别说运用里面的资源去改变自己的生活，连烧烤的时候生一堆火都做不到。 而即便是如此，甚至许多人早就明白了这里面的道理，但是却不能停止自己控制鼠标的小手。往自己的电脑上扒拉越多东西，越觉得不够，最后变成了为了拥有而拥有。所以，这和网络没有多少关系，而是人性使然。只不过是网络加剧了这种症状而已，它几乎可以无限度地满足这种贪婪，只要你的硬盘足够大，Google公司一直在运营，那么你可以一直那么做下去。 在过去，没有电脑时代，人们不也是那样做的么？买来那些自己根本不看的书，但是看到书柜日渐丰满就觉得意志踌躇，似乎有了那些书，就等于拥有了其中的知识。周末不休息，用剪刀浆糊去做剪报本，做完一本又一本，结果是全部放在屋角落灰发霉，但是每次看到的时候却心满意足，似乎那堆破纸在，就拥有了历史，拥有了对所有大事件的掌控。在今天，网络所不及之处，人们不也是那样做的么？买一处水泥盒子，觉得就是拥有了品质生活。买一辆铁皮盒子，就觉得步上了成功的阶梯。在所有房间都安装电视，似乎就能随时保持资讯的更新，让新闻跟着自己从饭厅走进洗手间。把钱堆放起来，隔段时间在ATM上含情脉脉地看上一眼，看到数字在增长就好像买到了明天的保险，根本不考虑如果它不流动起来那就是纸张和数字。所有这一切我们都在做，做完了以后，内心煎熬无比，像《雾都孤儿》里的奥利佛.特维斯特一样，伸出小碗来，顽固地嚷嚷： I ask for more. 花栗鼠过冬，只需要一个树洞，一点点坚果。但是，它们忙活了整个秋季，储存了它们其实无法消费完的口粮，以至于第二年树林里有新的树苗长出来，无形间做了森林的义务造林员。在这一点上，我们甚至还不如花栗鼠。 source: http://www.hecaitou.net/?p=6227 August 14 史上最欠扁的八大鬼故事，看完你就笑扁了感谢河蟹网友兔子的分享 1，吃苹果 话说在一个夜黑风高的夜晚，就在那条最长……最可怕的路上…… 计程车司机开过那里…… 有个妇人在路旁招手要上车…… 嗯……一路上……蛮安静的…… 直到那妇人说话了…… 她说：”"苹果给你吃……很好吃的哦……”"司机觉得很棒……就拿了…… 接着吃了一口…… 那妇人问：”"好吃吗？” ” 司机说：”"好吃呀！” “妇人又回了一句：”"我生前也很喜欢吃苹果啊……” ” 哇……&*$#@……司机一听到，吓得紧急刹车，面色翻白…… 只见那妇人慢慢把头倾到前面，……对司机说……………… 想知道她说什么吗？…………………………………………………… “”但我在生完小孩后就不喜欢吃了！ 2，洋娃娃 有一个计程车司机在计程车行工作。有一天的深夜，他正开车经过一片很荒凉的地方，四周一片漆黑；忽然看见前面荒地里有一座大厦，亮着昏暗的灯。他正在奇怪这里什么时候起了这样一座楼，就看到路边有一个小姐招手要坐 他的车回家， 那个小姐坐上车後，他就把车门关起来，开始开车，过了一会儿，他觉得很奇怪，为什么 那个小姐都没说话，结果他往後照镜一看，哪有什么小姐，只有一个洋娃娃坐在那里，他吓个半死，抓起洋娃娃往 窗外丢出去，回家後就大病了三个月。 等他病好了以後，他回去计程车行工作，结果他的同事对他说：你真不够意思，有一个漂亮的小姐过来投诉说她上次要坐你的车，结果她才刚把洋娃娃丢进去，你就把车门关起来开走了。 3，鬼火 在一个漆黑的夜里，一个人赶夜路，途经一片坟地。微风吹过，周围声音簌簌，直叫人汗毛倒竖，头皮发乍。就在这时，他忽然发现远处有一点红色的火光时隐时现。他首先想到的就是”"鬼火”"。于是，他战战兢兢地拣起一块石头，朝亮光扔去。只见那火光飘飘悠悠地飞到了另一个坟头的后面。他更害怕了，又拣起一块石头朝火光扔了过去，只见那亮光又向另一个坟头飞去。此时，他已经接近崩溃了。于是，又拣起了一块石头朝亮光扔去。这时，只听坟头后面传来了声音：”"妈的，谁呀？拉泡屎都不让人拉痛快喽。一袋烟功夫砍了我三次。” ” 4，见鬼 二位男子在万圣节化妆舞会后走路回家.. 当他们经过一个墓园时, 一时兴起要穿过此墓园. 当他们走到一半时便被一声声叩-叩-叩的声音给吓住了. 这声音是从某个阴暗处传出他们被吓得浑身发抖, 接着他们发现有位老年人手执凿子正在凿一块墓碑. 其中一位男子便说:”"我的天啊.先生,我们以为你是鬼耶, 这么晚了,你在这做什么啊?” “老人骂道: ＇ ＇ ***,他们把我的名字拼错了.!!!!” ” 5，厕所遇鬼 楚阳向去农村串门儿，在和亲戚们聊天时，亲戚告诉他，这里的厕所有鬼，不过，你不接 受鬼的东西，鬼就不会伤害你。可能是水土不服的原因，到了晚上，楚阳向的肚子痛得要 命。实在没办法，楚阳向只好怀着恐惧的心理，硬着头皮去了厕所。 楚阳向刚蹲下，便听到鬼的声音： “”要红色的手纸还是白色的手纸？”" 楚阳向知道不能接受鬼的东西，便答道：”"我一直用报纸。”"看样子，楚阳向是得了痢疾，过了不一会儿，楚阳向又跑到了厕所，不过，这次，他不再害怕了。 鬼看到楚阳向后，又伸出手说道：”"要《文汇报》还是《参考消息》？” “我一直用体育类报纸。” “夜里，楚阳向第三次上厕所。 “”要《体育周报》还是《足球日报》？”"鬼问。 “……”我……我只想撒尿。”" 6，三个鬼的投诉 有一天他们在逛街的时候遇到了上帝！他们对上帝说，他们都死得很惨，希望让他们上天堂！上帝很无奈地说，现在天堂的住户太多，已经爆满。但现在还有一个名额！你们 说吧，看谁死得最惨，就让谁上天堂！ 于是，第一个鬼开始说了……我生前是一个清洁工。工作很辛苦的！从早忙到晚！有一天，我正在一栋大厦外面擦玻璃！是那种吊在外面的高空危险工作！在第30多楼！突然，我 脚一滑，失足掉下去了！我想，完了！要死了！但求生本能让我在无意识地乱抓！很幸运地，我抓住了一个阳台的栏杆，在13楼。我想，有救了！于是想等缓过劲后爬上去！哪知，突然有人把我的手一揎，我又掉下去了！我想，这下我真的完了！但是，我命不该 决，底下有一个帐篷接住了我，我庆幸前世肯定积了德！想等缓过劲就下去。谁知，上面 掉下来一个冰箱，把我砸死了！ 第二个鬼说……我生前是一个文员。什么都还好，我有一个老婆，很漂亮。身材很棒！但就是有点水性扬花。我有轻微的心脏病。有一天上班忘了带药，我回家去拿。一进门，看见老婆头发散乱、衣衫不整。肯定有奸夫。于是我满屋找，厨房也找，厕所也找，都没找到。到了阳台，我发现有两只手扒在栏杆上，我想：奸夫！于是把他的手一揎。心想，13楼！看摔不死你！结果等我一看，居然没死！被帐篷接住了！我着急，于是满屋找，进了厨房，发现冰箱够 大，于是把冰箱扔下去。终于把他砸死了！我当时太高兴了！大笑不止。谁知笑得心肌埂塞，笑死了！ 第三个鬼说……我生前是个小混混，但我没做过什么坏事！有一天我到一个女性朋友家里晃！刚刚办完事，她老公突然回了！我得找地方藏起来。于是厨房也找，厕所也找，最后发现他们家冰箱挺大的，于是我就躲进冰箱里去了！我就不明白，她老公怎么知道我在冰箱里，他居然把冰箱从13楼给扔下去了！我就这样连人带冰箱摔死了！ 7，有两个人 在一个偏僻的村庄，一条羊肠小道上有一根笔直的电线杆，说也奇怪，常常有人在那出事。不久一对年轻男女不小心骑车撞倒，当场毙命。一天晚上，5岁的小志和他妈妈在回家路上经过那儿，小志突然:”"妈妈，电线杆上有两个人。”"妈妈牵着他的手快速走开说： “”小孩子不要乱说！”"但是这件事很快就传开了，有一天，一个记者来采访小志让他带他去看发生车祸的地方，小志大大方方的领他走到那，记者问：”"在哪？”"小志指指上面。 记者抬头一看，电线杆上挂着个牌子， 上写：交通安全，人人有责 8，鬼魂索命 从前有一个人，他有一个女朋友。他比世界上任何一个人都爱她。可是有一天，他女朋友无情的离开了他，甚至连一个理由都没给他。看着自己的女朋友被别人挽着手逛街，他痛不欲生，失去了理智。终于有一天他把女朋友杀了。本来他打算杀了她以后自杀的。可是将死之时才感到生命的可贵。从此以后他天天被噩梦困扰，梦境中他女朋友赤身露体，披头散发，红舌垂地，十指 如钩来向他索命。噩梦把他折磨的形如销骨，一天他找来一个道士已求摆脱。 道士要他做三件事 第一，把他女朋友的尸体好好安葬 第二，把他女朋友生前穿的睡衣烧掉 第三，把藏起来的血衣洗干净 所有的事情必须在三更之前完成，要不就会有杀身之祸！ 他遵照道士的嘱咐把所有的事情都做的很仔细，可是那件血衣却怎么也找不到了。马上就要三更了，豆大的汗珠从他脸上滴下来把地毯都打湿了。在将要三更的时候他找到了那件血衣，可是不管怎么怎么搓就是洗不掉。这时候忽然狂风大作，电闪雷鸣。窗户被狂风拍打的左右摇曳，玻璃的碎裂声让人更加心惊肉跳，突然所有的灯全灭了，整个屋子一片漆黑。 闪电中，只见他女朋友穿着染满鲜血的睡衣，眼睛里滴着血，满脸狰狞的指着他厉声道： ” “你知道为什么洗不掉血迹吗？？”"他被吓呆了一句话说不出。 女朋友继续道：”"因为你没有用雕牌洗衣粉，笨蛋。”" 原文链接: http://kisshi.com/2009/08/14/gui-2/ August 13 『视频』屁股的妙用，笔电夹夹乐远看是恶搞，近看是广告。最新的广告潮流就是这种成本低，流传广的『病毒式广告』了。太厉害了，连我们小抄都心甘情愿地给微星（MSI）的这款超薄笔记本做了广告啊。不服不行啊。 August 10 大家街上碰过什么样暴汗装逼的对白?今天坐地铁，从建国门站上来一男一女，坐在我的旁边 然后我起身，哆哆嗦嗦泪流满面的离开了 以前晚上在公园玩的时候听见的 上高中在学校操场看见，一男距离一女200米，大喊“XXX，我会养你的！” 女：我喜欢在街头喝咖啡，人来人往的，觉得像公主一样备受瞩目。 校园中，某情侣吵架，女的啜泣，男的苦劝，女的突然字正腔圆地用南方普通话说：放手，你这个畜生！ 在蘇州吃飯 旁邊倆大爷喝小酒吃下酒菜 兩人的坐姿均為右腿蜷起來把右腳踩在椅子上 當時我就思巴達了。。 我们校园有一极像马景涛的男人 电话通了 我听得腮帮子痒痒了 无意间加了个人 我哆哆嗦嗦的拉黑了~ 甲：政府给我1亿的捐款指标，去年还只有4000w 两个人一点开玩笑的意思都没有 眉头深锁 看得出很纠结 我们宿舍一灰猪瘤女半夜跟她汉子打电话（她那晚耳朵过敏，开的免提，还以为我们仨都睡了，其实我在偷听。。。） ===================== 我汤泼出来了 =============== =============== =============== 有回公交车上听见旁边一男一女对话 =============== =============== 某日某经过学校黑暗角落.闻争吵之声,循声望去,见一男一女. 我默默路过…同时寻找摄象机.未果. =============== 某节课一装B男噌的站起来…
source: http://lengxiaohua.net/2009/08/09/the-zhuangbility-dialogue/ August 08 郎咸平舌战赵勇现场 郎咸平舌战赵勇：很快，两人就大吵起来，火药味之浓令场内所有人震惊 来源：网络 source: http://item.feedsky.com/~feedsky/grandalex/~7125729/113173198/5234429/1/item.html 美国为什么不收水费？最近看到新闻，国内开始提高水价。原因之一是中国目前城区水消费占个人收入仅为1.2%左右，所以上涨空间大。 不知道为什么一样东西占收入的比例低，就要涨价，这种经济学闻所未闻。然后又说国外水消费一般占个人收入的4%，不知道这个国外是哪个国家？反正我在美国，水费在我的收入里几乎可以忽略，至少没有4%。 过去一直没有注意水费到底有多少，因为每个月账单里，水电垃圾清运费的费用不多，付了就是，根本没有在意单项内容。过去当学生住公寓，所有费用都包括在房租里，更是没有操心过。算了一下，现在房屋有大概两千多平方呎，两个卫生间，两个厕所，前后院草坪总面积大概有一两亩，自春天种了菜以后，用水量更大，水费也没有涨多少，每个月也不到总收入的百分之一。 美国很多州干脆不收水费，至少很多公寓不收水费。原来问过一个美国房东，为什么美国不收水费？他说，水是上帝制造的，上帝不收费，谁能收费？排除基督教义，可以看出，在美国人的心目中，水和空气阳光一样，是人生存的必需品，是政府必须提供的基本服务，根本不要打主意在这上面发财。 让人活下来的水、空气、阳光、基本食物等等，从根本上说，不是普通的生意，而是维持每一个人活下来的必要物质条件。每一个人缴纳的税收里面，第一部分该用来满足的就是这最基本的生存条件，然后才排得上其他建设项目。 我所住的城市，发电用的是油料，电价每年随着油料价格有所波动，但水价这么多年几乎没有变化。而所有价格变化，市政厅都有听证会，每个人都可以去听证，那是真正的听证，如果大多数人不同意涨价，市政府是不能多收半个子的。 再仔细探究了一下，发现国内的很多地方的水务和管网都卖给了国外公司。比如法国威立雅公司在天津、上海、北京、成都、昆明、兰州等近19个城市的21个合资项目，供水人口达到了3000万。你以为你生活在中国，但你喝的水其实是由外国人和外资占主体（有投票权的那种，不是我们花钱在国外投资却没有投票权的那种）的公司在提供。顺便提一句，美国的水务公司，特别是大城市的供水，都有五角大楼的身影，不信，请中石油、中石化——他们不差钱——去投资洛杉矶或者纽约的水务公司试试看？ 什么叫国计民生？大米，棉花，石油，还有水！ 7月16日上午，在一场“解读水价问题”的论坛上，有专家语出惊人：“不能因为有些人喝不起水，就不提高水价”。到场的专家和官员包括清华大学水业政策研究中心主任傅涛、住房和城乡建设部法规司副司长徐宗威、世界银行高级环境与市政工程师樊明远、北京大岳咨询有限公司总经理金永祥。不知道现在中国的专家还有几个有人性，“不能因为有些人喝不起水，就不提高水价”的另一个说法无疑就是“不能因为有些人不喝水死了，我们就不赚钱。” 中国是发展中国家，中国人的基本人权就是生存权和发展权。水，是不是生存权中的内容呢？ 喝水是最基本的生存权之一。 来源：《精品阅读》杂志 SOURCE: http://www.dapenti.com/blog/more.asp?name=xilei&id=21716 August 05 如果《基督山伯爵》上了起点中文网如果《基督山伯爵》上了起点网 1楼： 2楼： 3楼 4楼 6楼 7楼 8楼 9楼 10楼 11楼 12楼 13楼 14楼 15楼 16楼 17楼 18楼 19楼 20楼 21楼 23楼 一个佛学研究生带领一个堕入凡尘的天使.一个为情所困的妖怪.一个为了重新得到权力的神仙.骑着为了生存而努力奋斗的东方巨龙.向着西方世界一路行来的故事!历史滴车轮呀.又他妈的向前了!
source: http://lengxiaohua.net/2009/08/04/if-the-book-of-the-count-of-monte-christo-in-qidian/ 牛人教你这样用Google，你真的会变特工第一篇 August 02 60个生活常识1.吃了辣的东西，感觉就要被辣死了，就往嘴里放上少许盐，含一下，吐掉，漱下口，就不辣了； 2.牙齿黄，可以把花生嚼碎后含在嘴里，并刷牙三分钟，很有效； 3.若有小面积皮肤损伤或者烧伤、烫伤，抹上少许牙膏，可立即止血止痛； 4.经常装茶的杯子里面留下难看的茶渍，用牙膏洗之，非常干净； 5.仰头点眼药水时微微张嘴，这样眼睛就不会乱眨了； 6.嘴里有溃疡，就用维生素C贴在溃疡处，等它溶化后溃疡基本就好了； 7.眼睛进了小灰尘，闭上眼睛用力咳嗽几下，灰尘就会自己出来； 8.洗完脸后，用手指沾些细盐在鼻头两侧轻轻按摩，然后再用清水冲洗，黑头和粉刺就会清除干净，毛细孔也会变小； 9.刚刚被蚊子咬完时，涂上肥皂就不会痒了； 10.如果嗓子、牙龈发炎了，在晚上把西瓜切成小块，沾着盐吃，记得一定要是晚上，当时症状就会减轻，第二天就好了； 11.吹风机对着标签吹，等吹到商标的胶热了，就可以很容易的把标签撕下来； 12.旅行带衣服时如果怕压起褶皱，可以把每件衣服都卷成卷； 13.打嗝时就喝点醋，立杆见影； 14.吃了有异味的东西，如大蒜、臭豆腐，吃几颗花生米就好了； 15.治疗咳嗽，特别是干咳，晚上睡觉前，用纯芝麻香油煎鸡蛋，油放稍多些，什么调味料都不要放，趁热吃过就去睡觉，连吃几天效果很明显； 16.手腕长粗的MM想带较细的手镯，就不能硬带，应把手上套上一个塑料袋再带上手镯，非常好带，也不会把手弄疼，取下也是同样的方法； 17.栗子皮难剥，先把外壳剥掉，再把它放进微波炉转一下，拿出后趁热一搓，皮就掉了； 18.插花时，在水里滴上一滴洗洁精，可以维持好几天； 19.把核桃放进锅里蒸十分钟，取出放在凉水里再砸开，就能取出完整的桃核仁了； 20.把虾仁放进碗里，加一点精盐、食用碱粉，用手抓搓一会儿后用清水浸泡，然后再用清水冲洗，即能使炒出的虾仁透明如水晶，爽嫩可口； 21.炒肉时，先把肉用小苏打水浸泡十几分钟，倒掉水，再入味，炒出来会很嫩滑； 22.将残茶叶浸入水中数天后，浇在植物根部，可促进植物生长； 23.把残茶叶晒干，放到厕所或者沟渠里燃熏，可消除恶臭，具有驱除蚊子苍蝇的功能； 24.夹生饭重煮法：可用筷子在饭内扎些直通锅底的孔，洒入少许黄酒重焖， 25.若只表面夹生，只要将表层翻到中间再焖即可； 26.巧除纱窗油腻：将洗衣服、吸烟剩下的烟头一起放在水里，待溶解后，拿来擦玻璃窗、纱窗，效果真不错； 27.只要在珠宝盒中放上一节小小的粉笔，即可让首饰常保光泽； 28.桌子、瓶子表面的不干胶痕迹用风油精可以擦拭； 29.出门时随时在包里带一节小的干电池，若裙子带静电，就把电池的正极在裙子上面擦几下即可去掉静电； 30.不管是鞋子的哪个地方磨到了你的脚，你就在鞋子磨脚的地方涂一点点白酒，保证就不磨脚了； 31.亨调蔬菜时，如果必须要焯，焯好菜的水最好尽量利用。如做水饺的菜，焯好的水可适量放在肉馅里，这样既保证营养，又使水饺馅味美有汤； 32.夏天足部容易出汗，每天用淡盐水泡脚可有效应对汗脚； 33.夏天游泳后晒晒太阳，可防肌肤劳损等疾病发生； 34.夏天枕头易受潮滋生霉菌，时常曝晒枕芯有利健康； 35.多吃薏米小豆粥等潮湿健脾，可防暑湿； 36.防失眠：睡前少讲太多话，忌饮浓茶，睡前勿大用脑，可用热水加醋洗脚； 37.金银花有疏散风湿功效，金银花水煎取汁凉后与蜂蜜冲调可解暑； 38.吃过于肥腻的食物后喝茶，能刺激自律神经，促进脂肪代谢； 39.睡眠不足会变笨，一天需要睡眠八小时，有午睡习惯可延缓衰老； 40.双手易变得干燥粗糙，用醋泡手十分钟可护肤； 41.夏天擦拭凉席，用滴加了花露水的清水擦拭凉席，可使凉席保持清爽洁净。当然，擦拭时最好沿着凉席纹路进行，以便花露水渗透到凉席的纹路缝隙，这样清凉舒适的感觉会更持久； 42.早餐多食西红柿、柠檬酸等酸性蔬菜和水果，有益于养肝； 43.爽身止痒洗头或洗澡时，在水中加五六滴花露水，能起到很好的清凉除菌、祛痱止痒作用； 44.葡萄含有睡眠辅助激素，常食有助睡眠； 45.夏天多喝番茄汤既可获得养料，又能补充水分，番茄汤应烧好并冷却后再喝，所含番茄红素有一定的抗前列腺癌和保护心肌的功效，最适合于男子；吃酸性物质马上刷牙会损害牙齿健康； 46.因外伤碰破皮肉时，在伤处涂上牙膏进行消炎、止血，再包扎，作为临时急救药，以药物牙膏效果最为显著； 47.将白醋喷洒在菜板上，放上半小时后再洗，不但能杀菌，还能除味； 48.喝酸奶能解酒后烦躁，酸奶能保护胃黏膜、延缓酒精吸收，并且含钙丰富，对缓解酒后烦躁尤其有效； 49.皮鞋包皮放久了发霉时，可用软布蘸酒精加水（1：1）溶液擦拭即可； 50.发生头痛、头晕时，可在太阳穴涂上牙膏，因为牙膏含有薄荷脑、丁香油可镇痛； 51.蜡烛冷冻二十四小时后，再插到生日蛋糕上，点燃时不会流下烛油； 52.白色衣裤洗后易泛黄，可取一盆清水，滴上二三滴蓝墨水，将洗过的衣裤在浸泡一刻钟，不必拧干，就放在太阳下晒，即可洁白干净； 53.过多食用生葱蒜会刺激口腔肠胃， 不利健康，最好加一点醋再食用； 54.及时补充水分但应少喝果汁、可乐、雪碧、汽水等饮料，含有较多的糖精和电解质，喝多了会对肠胃产生不良刺激，影响消化和食欲。因此夏天应多喝白开水或淡盐（糖）水； 55.每天早晨用豆腐摩擦面部几分钟，坚持一个月，面部会变得很滋润； 56.空调室内温差不宜超过五度，即使天气再热，空调室内温度也不宜到24度以下； 57.加酶洗衣粉剂放在温水中需要较长的分解时间才能使洗衣效果更佳； 58.夏天，人的活动时间变长，出汗多，耗能过大，应适当多吃鸡、鸭、瘦肉、鱼类、蛋类等营养食品，以满足人体的代谢需要； 59.头痛时把苹果磨成泥状涂在纱布上，贴在头痛处，症状可减轻； 60.皮包上有污渍，可以用棉花蘸风油精擦拭。
国外版糗事百科感谢河蟹网友Alpha的分享，来源链接 地址：fmylife.com Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML 今天，我在上课的时候睡觉。我的JJ石更了，而且我穿的是很宽松的裤子。我的老师走了过来一把抓住了我的JJ——她以为那是我手机。FML Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML 今天，我听见了我的姐姐在她的房间里面ZW。为了逃出去，我带着狗出去遛了遛。我回来的时候正巧碰见她出来，手里拿的东西是——我的电动牙刷。FML Today, this really attractive woman that I’ve known for years told me that when I can have sex with her standing up, she’ll have sex with me. I’m confined to a wheelchair. FML 今天，一个我认识了很久的很性感的女人跟我说，如果我能站着和她做，她就和我做。我残疾坐轮椅。FML Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed “Yes Brittany!” at the top of his lungs. My name’s not Brittany. That’s his sister. FML 今天，我在和我的男朋友OOXX。当他要丢了的时候，他突然声嘶力竭地大喊“太棒了Brittany！！”我的名字不是Brittany.Brittany是他的妹妹。FML Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type ‘virginia’ into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for ‘virgin boy assholes’. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I’m a young guy. FML 今天，我老板叫我去他的办公室，要给我看一个可能成为我们的商业伙伴的公司的网站。当他在谷歌里面打“Virginia”这个词的时候，网站把他的搜索自动补完成了他最近才搜索过的词条——“小处男的菊花”。我明天就要和他一起出差。我是个年轻男人。FML Today, I asked my boyfriend to come over for dinner because I had some big news. He said he did too, and came over. After stuffing his face full of food, he broke up with me and said he’d re-enlisted into the marines, leaving in two weeks. I was going to tell him i’m 9 weeks pregnant. FML 今天，我让我男朋友来我家吃饭因为我有个大消息要告诉他。他说他也有个大消息要告诉我。在他吃得差不多的时候，他说要和我分手因为他两个星期以后就要去海军陆战队报道了。我准备告诉他我已经怀孕9个星期了。FML Today, I found out that I’m pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news. When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I saw him making out with a man. FML 今天，我发现我怀孕了。我已经和老公试了很长时间，所以我等不及要把这个好消息告诉他。当我推开他的办公室的门准备给他一个惊喜时，我看到他和一个男的在亲热。FML Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, “Beat ya!” She’s thirteen. FML 今天，我的女儿问我我是什么时候破处的。当我告诉她是22岁时，她立马大喊道：“我赢喽！！”她今年才13。FML Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML 今天，我结婚9年的老公告诉我说他是搞基的。他甚至还暗示我说，他和我在一起的时候能硬起来，是因为我长得比较爷们。FML Today I noticed that my daughter was making funny noises which oddly resembled sex sounds my wife makes. When I asked her what she was doing she said “I’m pretending to be mommy from last night.” I was on a business trip last night. FML 今天，我发现我女儿在模仿很奇怪的、听起来像我老婆在OOXX时发出的声音。当我问她你在干嘛的时候她说“我在学我妈咪昨晚的声音”。我昨晚出差。FML Today, my wife is divorcing me because she wants to party more with her friends alone. One year ago, I followed her to Norway, where her family lives. I left my friends, family and job opportunities (which were very good) in order to live with her. Now I am shoveling shit on a horse farm. FML 今天，我老婆要和我离婚因为她想和她的狐朋狗友们多玩一玩。一年前，我跟着她来到了她老家挪威。我离开了我的朋友，家庭和一份很好的工作，就是为了和她一起住。现在我TMD在一个马场铲马粪。FML Today, I got a call from the hospital that my fiance was in the ER. When I arrived at the hospital they told me that he had a heart attack while having sex. FML 今天，我接到一个电话说我的未婚夫被送进了急救室。当我赶到急救室的时候，他们告诉我说原因是他在和某人OOXX的时候心脏病发作了。FML 今天，我交往了三年的女友离开了我找了个新男友。她的理由是她需要找一个可靠的未来的经济后盾。没错那个哥们确实是有一个卖手机的亭子。但是我就要在医学院就读了。FML Today, my teacher demanded to talk to my dad because she thought he wasn’t a good enough male role model because i’d misbehaved. i told her he had died of cancer in 2005. She said that my lie was rude, disgraceful, and that i should be ashamed, then gave me a detention. He actually did die. FML 今天，我老师要求和我爸谈话因为她认为我爸没给我起到一个好的榜样作用。我告诉她我爸在05年就死于癌症。结果她说我的谎言很粗鲁，没人性，不害臊，然后把我留校了。我爸是真的死了。FML Today, I had to make a family tree for one of my classes. When I was going through it, I realized that both my parents have the same last name. So, I asked them about it and they told me that they are second cousins. FML 今天，我有个做张家庭族谱的作业。当我在做的时候，我意识到我的父母的姓其实是一样的。所以我去问他们这是不是个巧合，结果他们告诉我说他们实际上是表亲关系。FML Today, I bit my boyfriend’s neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML 今天，我咬了一下我男友的脖子。我感觉到什么东西流到了我嘴里。结果我发现我是把他脖子上的一个大痘子咬破了。掉进了我嘴里。FML Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, “soon, this will be plump with my seed.” FML 今天，我第一次和这个男生出去约会。我们去了星巴克，聊着天，很愉快。突然，他把他的手放到我肚子上说：“不久之后，这里就会被我的种子灌满”。FML Today, I decided to take a nap. My boyfriend gave me some sleeping pills but I decided last minute not to take them. I woke up to my boyfriend kissing my neck and unbuttoning my shirt. Without opening my eyes, I whispered “ooh this is so romantic.” He blurted out shocked, “Oh.you’re awake?!” FML 今天，我打算打个盹。我男朋友给了我一些安眠药但是我最后没决定吃。我迷迷糊糊地醒来的时候发现他在亲我的脖子，解开我的衬衫。我闭着眼睛低语道：“嗯……真是浪漫。”他震惊道：“啊。你醒着呢？！”FML Today, I took the bus to work and a sweet old lady got on after me and sat next to me. Halfway to work, she fell asleep and her head was on my shoulder. Trying to be nice, I gently tried to wake her up before my stop came. She wasn’t sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML 今天，我做公车去上班，后来旁边坐着个慈祥的老奶奶。公车到一半的时候，她睡着了，脑袋枕在了我的肩膀上。为了做个好青年，我在我的车站到之前才轻轻地打算弄醒她。实际上，这一路上她根本没在睡觉。也就是说，我让一个死人在我身上躺了30分钟。FML Today, I thought I heard my little sister playing on my brand new grand piano. Angry, I ran downstairs to stop her. My parents were having sex. On my piano. FML 今天，我以为我听到了我的小妹妹在玩我的新的大钢琴。我十分生气，跑下楼去制止她。结果我发现声音的来源是我父母在我的新钢琴上OOXX。FML Today, I texted my boyfriend saying hi. His response, “I got your best friend pregnant”. FML 今天，我给我男友发短信说：“Hi”。他的回复是：“我把你最好的朋友肚子搞大了”。FML Today, I handed my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past year researching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set an autocorrect on Word that changed “neither” to “nigger.” I didn’t notice until after I handed it in. My professor is black. FML 今天，我上交了我的博士论文，我花了半年的时间做调查来写这篇论文。昨晚，我的室友在微软WORD里面的“自动更正”里面把“也不是(neither)”这个词全改成了“黑鬼(nigger)”。我一直到交了论文以后才发现。更糟糕的是我的教授就是个黑人。FML Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was done, I turned around to see him holding a strap-on with a smile on his face and said ‘Now, do me’. FML 今天，我男友和我决定试试X菊花。当他结束了以后，我转过身来，发现他面带微笑地拿着一个绑在腰带上的橡胶JJ，对我说：“现在来X我。”FML Today, I went to my first strip club for my friends birthday. I also found out what my girlfriend does for a living. FML 今天，为了给我哥们庆祝生日我们第一次来到了脱衣舞俱乐部。我也发现了我的女友的工作是什么。FML Today, I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can’t have sex for one month. My wedding is next weekend and the following two weeks are my honey moon. FML 今天，我发现因为我的血压太高，我一个月都不能OOXX。我的婚礼是下个星期，然后接下来的两个星期是蜜月。FML Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me “Stop!” The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML 今天，我去牙医那里洗牙。我抬头看着他，发现有鼻涕往他的嘴唇上滴。我试图慢慢地挪开，他告诉我“别动！”结果他说话的动作导致那大块鼻涕径直掉进了我嘴里。FML Today, I found out that I am 14 weeks pregnant. The father of the baby is now engaged to my best friend, whom he was cheating on me with when I became pregnant. I’m going to be the maid of honor, 8 months pregnant with his child, at their wedding. FML 今天，我发现我已经怀孕三个多月了。孩子他爸现在已经和我最好的朋友订婚，在我怀孕的时候他一直和她有一腿。我将会是他们婚礼上怀着新郎的孩子8个月的伴娘。FML Today, I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checked to see if I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scolded for staying up. Turns out they were checking so that they could make love. I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for 20 minutes. FML 今天，我和我的祖父母睡在一个屋子里面。他们先是来确认我睡没睡着。为了不被责怪成熬夜，我就假装睡着了。结果，他们是想要OOXX，所以才来确认我是不是睡了的。我亲眼目睹了两个70岁老头老太太在我旁边的床上OOXX的情形。FML Today, while I was out to eat, I was approached by the restaurant manager. He told me that while he respected my personal choices, his patrons didn’t feel comfortable with someone who used to be a man using the women’s restroom. He thought I was a transsexual. I am a naturally-born female. FML 今天，我在外面吃饭的时候，饭店经理来找我谈话。他说虽然他很尊重我的个人选择，但是他的顾客们对于一个“曾经是男人”的女人用女卫生间感到非常不舒服。也就是说，他们以为我是个变性人。而我是个天生的女人。FML Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediatly ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said “Bermuda, 1989″. They’ve told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I’ve seen my own conception. FML 今天，我在翻看我父母的旧的家庭录像。我把其中一个放进了录像机，惊恐地发现那里录着我的父母在做爱做的事。我立刻弹出了录像带并且看了看那上面的标签。上面写着：“百慕大，1989”。他们曾经告诉我说我就是在那个时候的百慕大群岛上被怀上的。我看到了自己被怀上的情形。FML Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML 今天，我自己一人来到了我和我男友第一次约会的地方：一个孤僻的山上。我注意到有另一对情侣藏在灌木丛中亲热。于是我打电话给我男友，想要告诉他说有人找到了属于我们的秘密幽会地点。然后我就听到了我男友手机的Bob Marley的彩铃声从那堆灌木里飘来。FML Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things got heated up and we started making out. One thing lead to another and the next thing I knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said “Do you believe in Jesus?” FML 今天，我和一个女孩在我公寓里面打发时间……然后我们都来了感觉，就开始亲热。一步接着一步，然后我知道她要准备给我KJ。我正做好爽的准备，她突然停了下来，抬起头来望着我的眼睛说……“你信耶稣吗？”FML Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He’s barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, “Thanks for last night”, and leaves. FML 今天，我被我老爸突然造访我宿舍的敲门声所吵醒。我把门打开对着在门外的他打招呼，这时候我的室友脱光了衣服拉开了门，亲了我的脸颊，用一种超级搞基的声音说“昨晚你真棒”以后跑了。FML Today, I was standing by the bed naked, waiting for my wife to come out of the bathroom. She opens the door and walks over to me, swinging her hips, wearing pratically nothing. About four feet from me, she trips on the edge of the floor mat, and uses my ‘junk’ to catch herself. FML 今天，我光着身子站在床边，等着我老婆从浴室里面出来。她打开了浴室的门走向我，扭动着她的腰，什么都没穿。当她离我有四英尺的时候，她在地板垫上跌了一跤，而且用了我的JJ来稳住身形。FML Today, I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, when I heard my parents having sex, so I put on my headphones. After listening to music for a good long while, I figured they were done by now, so I took off the headphones just in time to hear them finish. FML 今天，我躺在床上试图睡着，可是就在此时我听见了我父母在OX。所以我戴上了耳机听音乐。听了好长好长一段时间之后，我想他们应该已经完事了，所以我摘下了耳机。结果我刚好赶上他们结束那一段。FML Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don’t have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML 今天，我老板发了条短信把我炒了鱿鱼。我没给手机申请短信包月。也就是说我花了25美分来被炒。FML Today, I was driving on the freeway when I get a call from my friend explaining that our two best friends died in a car accident. I pulled over in hysterics and a cop came to see what was wrong. I explained what happened and he gave me a ticket for talking on the phone while driving. FML 今天，我在高速上开车的时候接到了一个电话，得知了我两个最好朋友因交通事故而死。我歇斯底里地把车快速在道边停下，然后过来一个交警问我怎么了。我解释了一切，结果他给了我一张罚单，说是因为我在开车的同时使用手机。FML Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex at his house. When we got there, he checked his mail box first and noticed that his Wii game arrived. He sent me home so he can play. FML 今天，我男友和我决定在他的家里OOXX。我们到了以后，他先去看信箱里面有没有信，然后就发现他订购的Wii的游戏到货了。他把我送回了家因为他更想玩游戏。FML Today, I asked my parents to sign for me to enlist in the military. They asked me how much money the government gives them if I die. FML 今天，我拜托我父母帮我报名加入军队。结果他们问我的是如果我死了，政府能补贴多少钱。FML Today, I went over to surprise my girlfriend of two years with flowers and dinner at her apartment. After i knocked, a handsome young man answered the door. Thinking I had the wrong apartment, I apologized only to hear my girlfriend’s voice call from the background: “Baby, who’s there?” FML 今天，拿着鲜花和晚餐，打算给我认识了两年的女友一个惊喜。我敲了敲她公寓的们——然后一个英俊的年轻男人打开了门。我以为我敲错了门，道了歉转身准备离开的时候，我听到了我女朋友的声音——“宝贝，门口的是谁？”FML Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his college and when I walked into the dorm he was lying in his bed with another girl. When he saw me he simply said, “April Fool’s!” It’s March 19th. FML 今天，我打算给我上大学的男友一个惊喜。我走进了他的宿舍，发现他和另一个女的躺在床上。他看见了我，说了句：“愚人节快乐！”那天是3月19号。FML Today, my friends approached me and accused me of being anorexic cause i’ve dropped a lot of weight lately. I swore to them that i wasn’t anorexic. They jokingly asked “Do you have cancer or something?” All i could do was stare at my feet. That wasn’t exactly how i wanted them to find out. FML 今天，我的朋友怀疑我得了厌食症因为我最近掉了很多秤。我对他们发誓说我没得厌食症。他们开玩笑说：“那你是得了癌症什么的吗？”我除了盯着我的脚不知道以外不知道该如何反应——我并没指望他们以这种形式发现我得了癌症。FML Today, I was fingering my girlfriend. When suddenly she started crying at the peak of her orgasm, when I asked what was wrong, she replied. “I-I-I MISS HIM!” She was crying about her ex boyfriend. While I was inside her. FML 今天，我在用手指X女友。她在高潮顶点的时候突然哭了起来。我问她发生了什么事，她回答说：“我——我——我——我想他！！”她是为了她的前男友在哭。我当时还在她体内。FML Today, I sent an email to my best friend, telling him that I’m gay. When I was typing the email address in the “to:” field, it autocorrected the address to my mother. She just responded: “you filthy faggot”. FML 今天，我发了封邮件给我最好的朋友，告诉他我是同志。当我在输入“发送到：”那一栏的时候，系统给我自动更正成了我妈的邮件地址。她只回复了一句：“你这肮脏的蛆虫。”FML Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex. I was a virgin and he wasn’t. About 30 seconds in he collapsed on me. I thought he was joking around and I started laughing. He wasn’t joking. He was done. FML 今天，我男友和我决定做爱做的事。我是CN，他不是。30秒以后，他倒在了我的身上。我以为他在开玩笑，就笑了几声。他没在开玩笑。他干完了。FML Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon. FML 今天，我卫生棉在我的泳装旁边露出了一点点。我男友以为那是我比基尼多余的线头。于是乎他在大庭广众之下把我的卫生棉拉了出来。FML Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying “U got fingers, use them, im going to bed xoxo”. FML 今天，我给我6个月的男友发了条短信说我很想要，而且我躺在床上光着身子。他回了封信说：“你长了手指头，用它们，我去睡觉了亲爱的”。FML Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, he finally entered me, then paused and asked me, “what do I do now?” FML 今天，我男友和我第一次OOXX。在等待了非常长的一段时间之后，他终于进来了。这时他停了下来，问道——“好了，现在我该怎么办？”FML Today, I got a phone call saying I was no longer a bridesmaid for a wedding in June. It’s my mom’s 4th wedding. I’m getting replaced by our dog. FML 今天，我接到电话说我不再是6月份婚礼的伴娘了。那婚礼是我妈的第四次婚礼。当她伴娘的将会是我家的狗。FML Today, I opened my mail to find my Brown acceptance letter. Excited, I showed my dad who just laughed and said ‘what, it’s not like it’s Harvard’. No one in my family has ever gone to college. My dad didn’t even graduate from high school. FML 今天，我打开了邮箱发现我被布朗大学（美国常春藤盟校之一）录取了。我兴奋地告诉了我爸，他笑笑说：“啥啊，又不是哈佛。”我家里人除了我没人上过大学。我爸甚至高中都没毕业。FML Today, I heard my boyfriend of 3 months talking with his friend, not knowing I could hear them. “Tonight’s the night,” my boyfriend says. “I’m finally going to tell her I love her!” I got really excited, deciding i loved him too. Then his friend says, “Awesome! But what about Kayla?” I’m Kayla. FML 今天，我听到了我交往3个月的男友和他的朋友聊天，它们不知道我能听到他们。“就是今晚了”，我男友说，“我要告诉她，我爱她！！”我非常兴奋，感觉我也非常爱他。然后他的朋友就说：“太好了。可是，凯拉怎么办？”我就是凯拉。FML Today, it’s my birthday. I have gotten three calls all day. The first one was my fiancee, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancee for the past three months. The third was the dentist’s office singing me a happy birthday. FML 今天是我生日。我一整天只接到三个电话。第一个是我的未婚夫，说他要把订婚戒指拿回去。第二个是我最好的朋友，向我坦白说过去三个月来她一直和我的未婚夫行为不轨。第三个是我牙医的办公室，给我唱《祝你生日快乐》。FML Today, after work I went to the parking lot to my car to go home. I found my car doors heavily scratched and all my tires cut, with a note on my windshield. The note read, “F*** you, Jackson. Don’t f*** with me.” I’m Tyler, Jackson is my co-worker. FML 今天，下班以后，我去停车场准备开车回家。我发现我的车的门被划伤得很厉害，我所有的车胎都被扎了。挡风玻璃上留着一张字条写着：“草NM，杰克逊。别耍老子。”我是泰勒。杰克逊是我同事。FML Today, I came home to find my mum on the phone to the doctor. When she hung up I asked what had happened. She said they found a sexually transmitted disease in my bloodtest, and then she began to call me a slut. I’m 14, and am still a virgin. After 5 mins of crying, she tells me she was joking. FML 今天，我回到家，我妈在给医生挂电话。我问她怎么了。她说医生在我的血检里面发现了一种性病，然后她说我是个婊子。我14岁而且还是处。大哭了5分钟以后，她告诉我说她只是在开玩笑。FML Today, my son looked out of the window and said “what’s that piece of shit doing on our driveway?” It was the new car we were trying to surprise him with on his 16th birthday. FML 今天，我儿子望向窗户以外问道：“在车库门前停着的那坨垃圾是毛？”那是我打算送给他的，他16岁生日的新车。FML Today, a 7 year old girl randomly came up to me and told me to f*** myself. I told her to watch her language or else I’d tell her parents. Her mom happened to be nearby and actually heard this conversation, she came up to me and told me to f*** myself as well. FML 今天，一个7岁的陌生小女孩突然走向我，跟我说“滚泥马。”我告诉她注意自己的口气，否则我就告诉她父母。她妈妈就在附近，而且她恰好听到了了我们的对话。于是她突然走向了也我跟我说了句“滚泥马”。FML Today, I texted my boyfriend to see if he wanted to finally have sex today. His response was “Can’t, Platinum just came out.” I didn’t know what that meant so I searched “Platinum 3-22-2009″ on Google. I found out he’s talking about a new Pokemon game. FML 今天，我发短信给我的男友，问他到底想不想今天来亲热。他的回复是“不行，白金今天出。”我一开始没听懂，于是我去搜索了一下“白金，2009年3月22号”。结果我发现他是在说最新的口袋妖怪游戏。FML Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 years old. The woman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh and apologized. FML 今天，我人生的第一次——让一个女人看到了我的JJ。我30了。那女的是我的医生。她打了个鼾来盖住她的大笑声，然后道了道歉。FML Today, I turned 18. Nothing was said at breakfast, but I figured they’d remember and we’d have cake at night. I came home and there was cake, but not for me. My sister got her period for the first time during the day and they were celebrating. Apparently, a vaginal discharge was more important. FML 今天，我18岁了。早餐的时候没人吱一声，但是我想他们会记住，晚上我就有蛋糕吃了。我晚上回家看到了一个蛋糕——但是不是给我的。他们是在庆祝我的妹妹第一次月经来潮。很明显，他们认为一次生理反应比我的18岁生日更重要。FML Today, I saw the blueprints for my family’s new house. My room is half the size of the room next to it. The room next to it is my step mom’s walk-in closet. FML 今天，我看到了我家新房子的图纸。我的屋子是旁边那个屋子大小的一半。“那个屋子”是我继母的大衣橱。FML Today, I was feeling sick and having trouble breathing easily. I decided to take a nap and apparently ended up sleeping with my mouth wide open since breathing was an issue. I woke up to my boyfriend trying to put his penis in my mouth. FML 今天，我感觉有点病了，呼吸很不舒畅。我决定打个盹，嘴巴大张着因为呼吸很困难。我醒来的时候，发现我男友试图把他的那个放到我嘴里。FML Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. All of a sudden he jumped off of me, going “shit, shit!”. Worried, i asked him what was wrong. He shouted “I forgot to set my TiVO!” FML 今天，我在和我男朋友OOXX。突然，他从我身上跳下来，大喊：“该死，该死！”我很着急，问他怎么了。他大吼：“我忘了设定TiVO了！”（一种电视录像装置）. FML Today, I went to meet my girlfriends parents for the first time. I accidently drove past their house the first time, but saw the whole family outside waiting to meet me. I pulled a U-Turn and heard a thud. The whole family watched me run over their dog. FML 今天，我第一次去看我女朋友的父母。我第一次不小心开过头了，但是看到了他们全家在外面等我。我调了个头，然后就听到了砰的一声。他们全家的人看着我压扁了他们的狗。FML Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend of nine months when she gets a phone call and decides to answer it. It was her fiance that I knew nothing about. She told me she was engaged while I was still inside of her. FML 今天，我在和我交往了9个月的女友OOXX。有人给她打电话，她决定去接。给她打电话的是她的未婚夫——我完全不知道有这号人。她在我还在她的体内的时候说：她订婚了。FML Today, I found out I won a 20 000 or 30 000 dollar scholarship. After celebrating with my family by jumping around the room for a half-hour, we realized it was addressed to someone else with the same last name. When we called to tell her, she said it was weird because she had received my rejection letter. FML 今天，我发现我赢了份20000 – 30000的奖学金。在屋里和我家人跳上跳下庆祝了半个小时以后，我们才意识到这信是寄给另一个和我们姓一样的人的。我们和她联系上以后，她说这事真是奇怪，因为她收到的是我的拒信。FML Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: “love mom.” FML 今天，我想拿个套套因为我的男友和我打算第一次OX。当我打开抽屉时，我看到每个套套都被一个耶稣形象的别针扎破了。盒子上面有个字条：“爱你的妈妈。”FML Today, my father asked me if he could borrow my electric razor because he wanted to “surprise mom later”. Anxious to see him without his life-long beard, I willingly agreed. About half an hour later he exited the bathroom. Beard fully intact. FML 今天，我老爹问我借电动剃须刀因为他想要“给我妈一个惊喜”。我非常想看他把他留了几乎一辈子的大胡子剃掉，于是我很高兴地答应了他。半个小时以后，他从洗手间出来了。胡子还是好好的。FML Today, my parents punished me and made me wash my mouth out with soap for cursing. I’m almost 19. I said the word “hell”. FML 今天，我父母因为我“说了句脏话”而惩罚我用肥皂洗嘴。我都快19了。我说了句“靠”。FML Today, I was on the bus going to formal for my sorority. I was sitting in the 5th row of the bus when I felt raindrops on my face coming through the open window. I then realized it wasn’t raining, but the girl in the 1st row was throwing up out her window and it was coming back in through my window. FML 今天，我坐在公车上去联谊会。我坐在公车第5排，感觉到有雨点从窗外飘进来。然后我意识到那不是雨点，而是第1排有个女的吐了，她吐到窗外的东西从我的窗户飞了进来。FML Today, my parents won’t stop bragging about how my sister is dating the captain of her high school football team. I just got accepted to law school. FML 今天，我父母不停地吹嘘说我妹妹正在和学校美式足球队队长约会。我刚刚被法学院录取。FML Today, we got our yearbooks for school. I opened to my profile to see that they misspelled my first name which is James. They wrote Lames. FML 今天，我们要从学校拿毕业纪念册。我翻到了我的简历那一页，发现他们把我的名拼错了。我的名是James（詹姆斯）。他们拼成了Lames（烂透的）。FML Today, I was taking a shower with my new boyfriend for the first time. Last night was the first night we spent together. As I was washing my hair, I looked down at my feet and noticed yellow water. Some of the warm water I felt on my feet was not from the shower head. FML 今天，我第一次和我的新男友一起淋浴。昨天晚上是我们一起度过的第一晚。我在洗头的时候，我向下看去，注意到了有“黄水”。也就是说，我的脚一开始感觉到的温暖的水不是从喷头里出来的。FML Today, I was arrested because my 6 year old son called the police saying that I was hitting my wife and that she was crying. My wife and I were having sex. FML 今天，我被逮捕了，因为我6岁的儿子打电话叫警察，说我把我的妻子打得哭了。我和我老婆当时在OOXX。FML Today, I came home early from work to surprise my son with a new mountain bike for his birthday. To keep it a surprise I carried it quietly up to his bedroom. As I opened the door I heard my son say “Oh man, you’re gonna make me cum” to the nice girl he was on top of. He just turned 14. FML 今天，我提前下班回家，买了辆新的山地车来给他个生日惊喜。为了让他吃一惊，我蹑手蹑脚地来到了他的房门前。我一开门就听到他对他压在身下的女孩说：“哦，天哪，我要S了。”他才刚14。FML Today, I went to get a sports physical at a hospital. My nurse was morbidly obese and unattractive. She told me she would go through the tests listed on the sheet. She did everything, including feeling my genitalia. When it was done, I read over the sheet. Genitalia wasn’t a test listed. FML 今天，我去医院做运动体检。我的护士肥的要死而且非常难看。她说她会检查所有单子上写的部分。她做了一切她能做的，甚至包括检查我的JJ部分。体检结束以后，我看了看那张单子。里面没有生育器官检查。FML Today, I logged onto my computer to access a video from my p*** stash. However, the folder was empty except for my favourite file. Thinking that a virus 软妹子 d everything, I was thankful my favourite file remained. When I opened it, I saw a video of my parents telling me not to masturbate. FML 今天，我打开电脑查看我的AV收藏。但是，文件夹除了“我的最爱”文档以外全都空了。我以为是病毒删了所有的东西，但是很庆幸“我的最爱”文档没被删。我打开了以后，看到里面是一个我父母的录像教育我说“SY是不对滴”。FML Today, I saw a lesbian couple walking through the mall. One of the ladies walked up to me in the middle of the busy mall and started screaming at me about how rude it is to stare, and how we are all equal- straight or not. I was only staring because I’m a lesbian too, and they were hot. FML 今天，我看到了一对女同性恋在购物中心里逛。其中一个在繁忙的过道里走向我，然后开始大喊盯着她们是怎么怎么地粗鲁，还有不管性取向如何所有的人都应该是平等的。我盯着她们的原因是我也是搞百合的，而且我觉得她们很靓。FML Today, I was driving down the road at about 10pm, when the passenger in the car in front of me threw something out the window. The object flew towards and landed directly on my windshield. It was a condom. A used condom. It wasn’t tied. Semen spreads out quite a bit when you’re driving fast. FML 今天，大概晚上十点多我在道上开车。我前面车里的乘客向窗外扔了什么东西。拿东西径直打在了我的挡风玻璃上。那是个套套。用过的套套。而且用完没系。JY在你开快车的时候散开得很快。FML Today, I was riding in the car with my new boyfriend. He had ’something serious’ to tell me. He started to emotionally confess his addiction to masturbation. In detail. The drive was 2 hours long. FML 今天，我搭我新男友的车。他有“很重要的事”要告诉我。然后他多愁善感地向我讲述了他如何对SY上瘾。细节具体生动。行程是两个小时。FML Today, I found out just how thin the walls at my new student flat are. They are so thin in fact, that I can hear the creepy guy next door say my full name over and over again very slowly whilst masturbating rigorously. FML 今天，我才发现我的新学生宿舍的墙，是多么的薄。它们如此之薄，以至于我能听到我隔壁那个恶心的哥们一边一遍又一遍地念叨着我的名字，一边大力SY的声音。FML Today, I’m playing basketball with my little brother. After jokingly blocking his shot, he turns to me and says “You’re a bitch.” He’s 6. After asking where he heard that word, he responded with “Daddy calls you that when you’re not around.” FML 今天，我在和我的小弟弟打篮球。在开玩笑般地阻挡了他一下之后，他转过来跟我说“你TM的婊子。”他才6岁。我问他他是在哪里听到这个词的，他回答说：“爹地在你不在的时候这样叫你。”FML Today, I was laying in bed naked and blindfolded. I told my boyfriend he could do anything he wanted to me. About 30 minutes later I get out of bed and find him in the computer room play World of Warcraft. His friends needed him. FML 今天，我裸身躺在床上，被蒙上了眼罩。我告诉我的男友他把我怎样都行。30分钟以后，我下了床发现他在电脑室打魔兽。他队友需要他。FML Today, I performed in my school play. Right before my big solo, I noticed a few girls changing backstage and I became aroused. The play was Jesus Christ Superstar, and I was playing Jesus. All I was wearing was a little cloth, so the whole audience saw Jesus get hard during the crucifixion. FML 今天，我在学校表演戏剧。在我的独角戏闪亮登场之前，我注意到了有几个女孩在后台换衣服——于是我小弟弟high了。那场戏是《耶稣基督超级巨星》，我就是演耶稣的。我身上只穿几块布。于是乎，所有观众都看到了：耶稣在被钉上十字架的时候可耻地硬了。FML Today, I was sleeping because I had been sick. The closest bathroom to mine is the one in my parents room. I wake up and feel like I have to throw up, I run into my parents room to go to the bathroom. I walk in on my parents having sex. Shocked, I gasp for air then throw up all over their bed. FML 今天我在家睡觉因为我生病了。离我最近的厕所是在我父母的房间。我有点想吐所以我就起来了，我跑到我父母房间的厕所里，然后看到他们在OOXX。大吃一惊，吐了他们一床…… Today, I was having sex with a girl I had just met. After about 5 minutes in, she said she had to go to the bathroom. So we stopped and she went to the bathroom. After waiting around 10 min, I decided to check if she was ok. The window was open. She was gone. FML 今天我在和一个刚认识的女孩OOXX，大约5分钟之后，她说她想上厕所，所以我们被迫停止。大概等了10分钟，我决定进去看看她怎么样了。进去一看，窗户是开着的，她逃走了。卧槽= = Today, as I was bagging groceries at Dominicks, I looked down to see a 6 year old urinating on my shoes and the floor next to me. I told his mother that he should take her kid to the restroom, only to be told to “mind my own god damned business.” I was later fired for arguing with the customer. FML 今天我在多米尼克杂货店帮顾客装袋，向下一看，我擦，一个6岁小孩在我鞋上撒尿。我告诉他妈应该带她的小孩去厕所小便，我唯一得到的回应是：管好你自己的吊事。接着我就以“和顾客发生纠纷”被开除。卧槽！ Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, “I have to go, there’s a cute guy on this elevator.” Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, “Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her.” FML 今天，当一个正妹进电梯的时候电梯里只有我一个，当时她正在打电话。她和她朋友说：“我得挂了，电梯里有个帅哥~~”在我有任何反应之前她说：“对不起，我撒谎了，我只是真的很想把那个电话结束”卧槽= =！！ Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He knows that I love when he breaths on my neck. When I was about to finish he put his lips a millimeter away from my neck/ear and breathed, “I love how you smell like my grandmother’s house.” FML 今天，我在和我男友OOXX，他很清楚我喜欢他在我脖子上喘气、呼吸的感觉。当我快要丢的时候他把他的嘴唇放在离我脖子/耳朵1毫米的地方，说：“我喜欢的你那闻起来像我祖母房子的味道~~”，卧槽！ Today, I went to a fast-food joint and ordered off of the $1.00 menu to save money. Five hours later I go to the hospital with food-poisoning. After a whole day of not eating, crapping, puking, having tests, and an bunch of IV fluids, my $1.00 burger ended up costing me $24,000 in bills. Really. FML 今天我去快餐店点了一份一元餐想要省钱。五个小时之后我因为食物中毒被送到医院。在一天的禁食、排泄、冒顶、考试、挂了一堆水之后，我那$1的汉堡花费了我$24000，真的！！卧槽…… Today, one of the psych patients I work with on a locked unit looked into my eyes and told me lovingly that I reminded him of his sister. The sister he killed after he raped her. FML 今天，一个和我一起工作的精极度紧张患者在一个被锁的房间里看着我的眼睛、深情的说：你让我想起了我的妹妹。（那个被他被他先X后杀的妹妹）。卧槽！！ Today, I called my fiance and found out she is 9 weeks pregnant. I had been in Iraq for over 6 months. I also found out her and her new boyfriend already spent most of my $30,000 re-enlistment bonus on a new car and a trip to Las Vegas. FML 今天我打电话给我的未婚妻并发现她已经有了9个月身孕。我在伊拉克带了将近6个月……我还发现她和她的新男友把我那30000美金的入伍抚恤金花的差不多了——买了辆新车、去拉斯维加斯度假。卧槽！ Today, there are two restaurants gang fights, and other unrelated people are gone, only I did not move, watching them smile. 今天,餐馆有两伙人打架，其他无关的人都跑掉了，只有我没有动，微笑的看着他们。 我觉得自己非常酷。 突然有一个人指着我说：打他们老大！我刚要说我不是，一个酒瓶子就把我头打开了花。然后几个人过来揣我。另一伙看他们在打不认识的人竟然也不帮忙。 我快被打半死时警C来了，还把我当成主犯拉回去审讯。刚才才被家长领回家。 我现在悟出了一个非常深刻的道理，就是：没实力，千万别装B! Today, was the first time I had sex with a guy I really like. I took off my shirt and my bra and he said “wow, that’s disappointing.” FML 今天，我第一次和自己真正喜欢的人OOXX。我把我的上衣的乳支撑器脱掉，他说：“我擦，这太令人失望了。”擦 Today, my girlfriend dumped me for someone else. An hour earlier I had just gotten permission from her dad to propose. FML Today I went to a bar with two guys I was interested in. The first I’d been trying to go out with all semester. The second I had gone to dinner with and he seemed nice. I was the designated driver, they drank too much and on the way home hooked up in the back seat. FML 今天我和俩我感兴趣的男生泡吧。第一个是我这个学期一直想约的人，第二个是和我吃过一次饭、看起来还不错的男生。我被指定为司机，他们喝的是在是太多了，然后他们俩就在后座上勾搭上了……汗 Today, I passed a homeless person asking for change. When I politely apologized and told him I had none, he yelled angrily “who comes to this city without money?” I replied “apparently, you do.” Wrong answer. He followed me, now screaming. FM 今天一个流浪汉向我要硬币我没给他，告诉他我身上没有，他非常生气的向我吼道：没钱谁TM来这个城市啊？ 我回答 “很明显，你就是” 这个答案显然不对，他跟在我身后一直尖叫 FML Today, I was talking to my mom lamenting the fact that none of my few relationships seem to last longer than 2 months. She asked why and I said, “because I’m paranoid, obsessive compulsive, judgmental, defensive, and stubborn.” Instead of encouraging me, she said, “Well, at least you’re honest.” FML 今天我和老妈感慨事实上和我发生过关系的男的都不超过2个月，她问我为什么，我回答：因为我偏激，强势，保守，还有顽固。为了鼓励我，她说 至少你还是诚实的 FML Today, I was walking around in a park when I pass some kids playing soccer. One of them kicks the ball as hard as he could at me. Luckily I catch the ball. Then I drop kick the ball, intending to say “go get it.” Instead it ricochets of a nearby tree and hits my face. FML 今天我在一个公园里散步，看到一群孩子在踢球， 其中一个把球踢向了我，很幸运的是我把球接到了。 然后我把球丢下踢回去喊到：“接好了” 球打到了一颗书上弹回来，命中我的脸 FML Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in with me. We were getting a little frisky when my mom’s hand unexpectedly came through the curtain, and dropped a condom in the bottom of the shower, all the while saying, “Keep it safe kids!”. FML 今天我在洗澡的时候，男朋友忽然跳了进来，我们有一点点小兴奋地时候 老妈的手穿过了帘子 把套套丢在了浴池里，说：注意安全啊孩子们 FML Today, I set up a camera in my kitchen to see who was stealing my 软妹子s. Turns out my mom had her boyfriend over. Good news, the 软妹子 s are safe. Bad news, I now have something recorded that I never wanted to see in my life. FML 今天我在厨房里安装好了摄像头想看看谁偷了我的饼干， 结果我看到了老妈和她的男朋友，好消息是饼干很安全，坏消息是 我看了一些我这辈子都不想看到的事 FML Today, after my girlfriend of 2 years left me for another guy, I got stuck in an elevator for 3 hours. With both of them. FML 今天和我相处2年的女朋友离开了我和另一个男人好了， 然后我在电梯里面卡了3小时，和他们2个一起 FML Today, the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless man pressed up against me. He was staring at me intently, and two minutes into the ride he got an erection, which was rubbed against me at every single bump and turn of the train. FML 今天，卡尔加里轻轨车厢挤满了人；我旁边的一个流浪汉被挤得死死地顶着我。他专注地盯着我看，上车两分钟以后他就硬了=_=——于是乎车厢每次颠簸和转弯的时候，那东西都在摩擦着我。FML Today, I was leaving to go over to a friend’s and my parents suddenly ask if I’m gay. I reply that no, I’m bisexual. My mom then asks if I’ve ever made out with someone of the same sex and I say yes. She turns to my dad and says ‘I told you so. You owe me $20′. My parents bet on my sexuality. FML 今天，我正准备出门去朋友家，我父母突然问我是不是搞基的。我回答不是，澄清说我是双性恋。我妈又问我曾经是否和一个同性别的人亲热过，我回答是。然后她就跟我爸说：“看，我跟你说过了吧。你欠我20块。”我父母拿我的性取向打赌。FML Today, I caught my little brother peeping at my friend getting dressed in the bathroom. When I asked him what he was doing he said “I’m just doing what Ray does to you while you’re in the bathroom.” Ray is my new step dad. FML 今天，我在我的小弟弟偷看我朋友在卫生间换衣服的时候把他抓了个正着。我问他他在干嘛，他回答说：“雷(Ray)在你去卫生间的时候就这么做，我只是在学他罢了。”雷是我的新继父。FML Today, I went out with this girl I really liked and she came back to my place. Things were heating up and we ended up having sex and I was on top. I was really into it and in the middle of it she held up her wrist and said “oh, look at the time, I gotta get home”. She wasn’t wearing a watch. FML 今天，我和一个我很喜欢的女孩出门去玩，然后我们晚上一起回到了我家。我们之间十分来电，于是最后OOXX了……男上女下。我非常之投入，可是在半途的时候她突然举起手腕说：“啊，看看都几点了。我得回家了。”她当时根本没戴表。FML Today, I was running late for work so instead of walking the ten minutes to the office, I took a taxi. The driver took the opportunity to share the story of his first sexual experience with a man. In great detail. FML 今天，我上班要迟到了，所以我没去走那十分钟的路程而是打了辆出租车。这司机抓住这一大好时机，向我讲述了他第一次和男人OOXX的故事。具体而又生动。FML Today, I was walking from my office to the place i had parked my car, a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. As I looked up, I noticed that it was my car. FML 今天，我得从我的办公室走到我停车的地方，距离大概有三个街区远。在我准备转过最后一个街角时，一辆车超速驶来，我不得不赶紧跳到一边。我抬头的时候发现了——那车是我的。FML Today, my girlfriend decided to strip me naked and blindfold me, then told me I’d get a reward if I caught her. So I ran around naked and blindfolded till I caught her, and then I yelled, “I want my prize on the kitchen table!” It was her mom who’d just got back from work. FML 今天，我女友决定把我扒光并把我眼睛蒙上，然后告诉我说如果我抓住她就奖励我。于是我就蒙着眼睛，啥也没穿地四处瞎跑一直到我抓住了她。我大喊：“在厨房桌子上把我的奖励给我吧！”MLGB的我抓住的是她刚下班的妈妈。FML Today, my mom’s will was read to the rest of the family. I helped my mom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay off school loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to get nothing because I was gay. The executor read it out loud. My mom was the only one who knew. FML 今天，我妈的遗嘱被宣告给了全家人。我在几年前帮助我妈写的；我会得到一笔资金来付助学贷款。她自己把遗嘱给改了，注明说我啥也得不到因为我搞基。遗嘱执行人把这段大声朗读了出来。本来只有我妈一个人知道的。FML Today, I found out that just because your boyfriend asks you to marry him doesn’t mean that he will show up at the wedding. FML 今天，我发现就算你的男友向你求婚，也不意味着他婚礼的时候就一定能来。FML Today, my mom talked about how it’s interesting how there’s so many different size of penises. She also told me that since she’s doing hormone therapy she’s able to orgasm a LOT more. We were stuck in stop and go traffic for 3 hours. When I turned on the radio, she turned it off and talked more. FML 今天，我妈跟我说各种JJ有不同的大小，真是有趣。她也跟我说因为她一直在做荷尔蒙疗法，她能够体验的高潮比以往多多了。我们堵车堵了3个小时。当我打开收音机的时候，她把收音机关了，接着讲。FML Today, was the first time my boyfriend slept over. He was hard, so I woke him up by whispering in his ear, “If you could get me to do anything right now, what would it be?” His response, “Can you get me a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream?” He was hard, for ice cream. FML 今天，是我的男友第一次来我家过夜。他硬了，我就在他的耳边耳语把他叫醒：“如果你现在让我做什么都行，你想要我做什么呢？”他的回答，“你能给我碗薄荷巧克力屑冰淇淋吗？”他想冰淇淋想到硬。FML Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking “What are you doing?” Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answers, “Zoe. I’m doing Zoe.” FML 今天，我男友和我在他的家里OOXX。大概30分钟后，他的妈妈回家了，敲他的房门问道：“你在干啥？”想着也许我有偷偷溜出去的可能，我蹑手蹑脚地穿起了衣服。结果这时我的男友就回答：“佐伊。我在干佐伊。”FML Today, I got a $200 ticket mailed to me for drunk driving in Maryland. I have never been pulled over for drunk driving and I have never been to Maryland. FML 今天，一张“在马里兰醉酒驾驶”的200美金的罚单被寄给了我。我从来都没因醉酒驾驶而被抓而且我压根就没去过马里兰。FML Today, I woke up to find that my dog was missing. I spent about an hour searching for him when my psycho ex-girlfriend texted me his photo. She’d kidnapped him. After driving over there, she shot paintballs at my car. Now I have no dog and a colorful car. FML 今天，我醒来以后发现我的狗丢了。我花了将近一个小时去找它，直到我那脑子有点问题的前女友发了张它的照片给我。她把它绑架了。开车到那里以后，她用油漆弹朝我的车开枪。现在我不仅没狗，还多了辆五彩斑斓的车。FML Today, I asked my boyfriend of almost ten months who his top five women to have sex with would be. I was third. My mom was second. FML 今天，我问了交往了将近十个月的男友，他最希望和哪五个女人OOXX。我排第三。我妈排第二。FML Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I undressed and then proceeded to throw up all over the rug. FML 今天，我的猫和我一起在浴室里。我脱了衣服准备冲个澡。猫在我脱光了衣服以后看了看我，然后就在小毯上吐得到处都是。FML July 28 买房傻子才掏钱,手把手教你买房不花钱 【精】转贴，请勿跨国追捕.....文章很长，耐心看，我的感觉是心痛！多几个这样的人，国家就完了.....我分享此文章，只是让更多的人知道国内虚假的东西...... 我后来的买房经历都与此类似，也就是：坚决的不掏一分钱，全部用银行的贷款买房子；然后，如果遇见不明真象的投资者（说是投资者，其实是傻帽）买房，那就高价卖给他。如果一直没有投资者买房，那就不断的把自己的房子加价转贷给自己，不断的用银行的钱来还银行的债。 有句话道出了目前中国楼市的实情，“房子是用来炒的，不是用来住的；商品房是卖给银行的，不是卖给老百姓的。” 这时候，买单的就是全国人民了，国家必须银行注资，消除烂帐。国家的钱哪里来？印钞票！结果是什么？通货膨胀，物价飞涨，老百性的钱不值钱了，或者说老百姓的钱被抢了，被谁抢了？被国家抢去堵漏了，堵开发商和银行增加这些蛀出来的大洞。这个洞如此之大，堵住了也是一个丑陋的疤，而疼的永远是百姓。 source: http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_49bd75470100edk6.html July 22 几招对付银行里态度恶劣的工作人员(搞笑+实用）一、换零钱 三、招行** 四、农行的vip 五、全部提现 source: http://lengxiaohua.net/2009/07/22/how-to-deal-with-the-slumlord-clerk/July 15 新华网也学会了搞笑看到新华网发布的一篇新闻，文章先是说道：
然后文章总结道：
乍看很和谐的一篇歌颂我党英明政策的文章，怎么就搞笑了呢？其实用肚脐眼思考也应该想到，一百份问卷调查的任何一项结果怎么可能出现小数呢？更何况还是两位小数。很多假的东西你偏要装得过分逼真，也就是所谓装逼，就容易弄巧成拙。就好比假设余秋雨不写文化苦旅，改写青春小说，其中有个情节是王二毛期中考试差一点就及格了，为了逼真地体现“差一点”，余秋雨写道：“王二毛拿到考卷一看，顿时就呆住了，红笔在泛黄的卷纸上分明写道：59.1415926 分。” 当然了，我们的媒体最喜欢的就是体现民意，民意是不是取之于民只有天知道，但用于治民这个我们大家都知道。新华网这回算是幽默了一把，把自己给涮了。这事就告诉你们，在这个可以发表个人民意的年代，千万别装逼装过了头，装的恰到好处，你很逼真算你狠，装过了头就是你真傻逼了。 July 14 没有拆不散的夫妻，只有不努力的小三1、 2、 3、 4、 5、 6、 7、 8、 9、 10、 11、 跟广告创意一样，很多好玩儿的句子，想出来之后才知道早被人想过了。比如——性生活不能自理 12、 A:你是我的小天使吗？B:是。A:啊！我终于找到你了！满足我一个小愿望好吗？B:去你妈的，就你事儿多 13、 你我皆烦人，剩在人世间。 14、 南方性开放，北方打麻将，喝酒吹牛逼，全国都一样 15、 16、 17、 18、 19、 20、 21、 22、 23、 24、 25、 26、 27、 28、 29、 30、 31、 32、 33、 34、 35、 36、 37、 38、 39、 40、 41、 42、恋爱还是要年轻时谈才好些。年纪大了，上来互相先问你谈过几个我谈过几个，或者干脆问你睡过几个我睡过几个，还都特坦然，特豁达，特不当回事儿。 43、 44、 45、 46、 47、 48、 49、 50、 51、 52、 source: http://paowang.com/post/10005613 |
|
||||||||||||
|
|
